Once the threat of separation has been made by one partner, there is an immediate change in the situation. The partner who wants to stay together is not in a position to insist on staying together, and there may be a mountain to climb in persuading the other partner to reconcile. The couple may have been carrying on with their lives up to this point under the assumption that the relationship will continue whatever happens, and there may be some difficulty in accepting the new playing field.

Both must agree on trying to save the relationship

It takes two to work on improving a relationship, and you must both be willing at least to put the question of divorce aside for the period when you are working on the relationship. In the situation of a threatened divorce, it is that much more difficult for you to cooperate on couple communication and negotiation exercises, and it takes a great degree of goodwill to ‘do-it-yourself in these circumstances. You might be wise, as an alternative, to consider going to couple therapy, relationship counseling or mediation, when the therapist or mediator can contain some of the ‘awfulness’ for you, while working together with you both on reconciliation.

How would you go about trying to avoid divorce?

You might try setting a time for sitting together and talking, with a timer going, and discuss the reasons why one of you has come to this conclusion. The questions might centre on the practical aspects of both of your behavior which have led to the problems. In your discussions you will need to concentrate as far as possible on the positives, and try to convert your complaints into requests of each other for improvements in behavior. This leaves your partner the chance to make a concession or positive response rather than ‘stonewalling’.

The need for moderate language and behavior

If you are trying to save the relationship, it would be better for you to avoid as far as possible the extreme language and adversarial attitudes that one often reads of in the divorce courts.

• Words such as ‘unreasonable’ and ‘impossible’ are best not used, while you should concentrate on a milder use of language, such as ‘irritating’ or ‘hard to accept’.
• Perhaps there has been violence between you: this should be talked about as ‘our fights’ rather than ‘your tantrums’ or ‘your aggression’.
• Similarly, complaints about alcohol abuse, gambling, lying and overspending will have to be softened in order to get both of you talking constructively about the issues.
• Remember to talk as far as possible in the ‘I’ mode rather than starting with ‘you’.

In order to put your relationship back on course, you must both make more of an effort to change your behavior, leading to cooperation rather than confrontation. You will probably have a natural wish to punish your partner for what you feel they have done, but even if they admit it all, and apologize, their sense of humiliation may lead them either to show increased hostility or somehow to sabotage the process. It is still better to soft-pedal at this stage.